What Those V-Day Candy Sweethearts Should REALLY Say

I’ve had some awkward V-Day Moments, from my 5yo trying to soap opera kiss me to my hubby trying to stuff himself and champagne into an undersized NYC bathtub in our undersized NYC apartment to my dauther telling me, I make her want to “puke of love”. That said, I’ve decided this year will not be awkward. No, we will all be realistic in our planning and our phrasing.

As I picked up a pack of those V-Day conversation hearts (the candies that are supposed to represent the sweet nothings you would whisper in your lover’s ear before bed, like: I LOVE U, B MINE, KISS ME…), I thought, this is anything but realistic phrasing. Those sayings are more saccharine sweet than the candy, so I made a list that resembles real pillow talk. These are the phrases that should be etched on those cute little hearts, after a few years of marriage.

Be warned: this list is not for newlyweds, so you can refrain from reading and telling me how blissful your marriage is. Give it a few years. Ahem- I mean, I’m happy for you.

WIFE CONVERSATION HEARTS:

HE GETS THAT FROM UR SIDE

YOU WANNA PUT WHAT, WHERE?

COULD U BE MORE LIKE ADAM LEVINE?

I’M PREGNANT … PSYCHE

R THOSE UR TOENAILS?

I SAID JAKE COULD SLEEP IN BED WITH US – AGAIN

SHH … THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS IS ON

SORRY, HEADACHE/TOOTHACHE/LEG CRAMP/ GAS (INSERT AILMENT HERE)

I SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON SHOES

BE MINE, BUT CAN I BE SOMEONE ELSE’S 4 ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO?

BEING A MOTHER IS AN ACTUAL JOB

SHH… THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING ROSE CEREMONY EVER!

WAIT, LET ME TURN OVER SO I CAN’T PRETEND YOU’RE CHANNING TATUM

BRUSH UR TEETH IF UR GONNA LEAVE UR SIDE

SHH … ABOUT LAST NIGHT IS ON – AGAIN

U GET THE 2AM FEEDING

DO NOT EAT THOSE CHIPS HERE

IF U DID IT THE 1ST TIME I WOULDN’T HAVE 2 ASK AGAIN

MIL, EGGS, LETTUCE… MILK, EGGS, LETTU…

HUBBY CONVERSATION HEARTS:

YES, I’M LISTENING … WAIT, WHAT?

SHH… THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION IS ON – AGAIN

I DON’T MIND IF UR NOT IN THE MOOD, I WON’T TAKE LONG

UR MORNING BREATH WAS ONLY KISSABLE WHEN I WAS WOOING U

I LIED, UR MOTHER IS ANNOYING

SHH… BRAVEHEART IS ON – AGAIN

DO U KNOW WHERE THE REMOTE IS?

I BET ALL OUR MONEY ON TONIGHT’S GAME

I CAN BE ROMANTIC … WANNA DO IT?

WHY R U SO TIRED, WHAT’D U DO ALL DAY?

LET ME TURN U OVER SO I CAN PRETEND UR JESSICA BIEL

I GAVE U “THE CLAP” … PSYCHE

BRUSHING MY TEETH IS FOREPLAY

WOW, U R MUCH HAIRIER THAN I REMEMBER

SHH… FIELD OF DREAMS IS ON – AGAIN

UR ON CLEAN UP

CAN U MOVE UR HEAD I CAN’T SEE THE GAME?

MARRIAGE MEANS THERE’S NO NEED TO CUDDLE

And of course: I LOVE U, because if we didn’t truly feel that way, we wouldn’t put up with all the other stuff. Hope your V-Day is full of lots of love and happiness!